OnceUponATime

I do not like how the way things turn out.
I hate it.
I'm beginning to despise myself.
Above all these, my heart is not taking this well. Literally too.
Has been beating extremely hard for the whole time.
Ever since i started to read the past.
Of how i wished that we will always be together
That you are the one who makes me feel like i'm the most xing fu girl in the world.
Always wanting to be by yourside.

Just one of the simple prayer i wrote before in the past.
Dearest Lord, I pray that Leroy would not feel pressurized. To find the need to match up with X in any way cause we both know that Leroy is way better than X. For it matters not the material things but rather the heart in which is what I look for.
And Lord, I do feel xing fu with Leroy. And even if I need to support him and work in the future while he becomes the 'housewife' I'm willing.
Also I wanna thank You for him and I seek for your blessings in this relationship.
That I may be that fun-loving, understanding and caring partner supporting him. Though this may seem to be like a bit of a rush with the wrong timing, Heavenly Father, deep down..there is no such a thing and thus I can now say genuinely and believing in it that I love Leroy. No need for comparison cause as this love continues to unfold, it will become obvious and certain of the depth of that unique love. Thank You for giving Leroy the gift of being able to make simple things meaningful and special. Cause that is all that I ask for. Not luxaries. Thank you for giving me a relationship with hope and a future.

That was the prayer I made. Written in one of my diaries.
And I'm thinking right now, if Leroy is the one given.."a relationship with hope and a future", then what am I doing with it now? When i'm definitely certain at that point in time when i wrote it, I believed it with my whole heart. Whole heartedly.
(Don't mind me i'm just really thinking right now as i'm writing)
Or was I overwhemed by feelings at that point in time? Can't be. I believed it with my whole heart. And right now?
"What am I doing?" is the most common phrase I have been using.
If the past is an advice to what I should do now, what should I do now?
Cause I"m feeling worse than ever. I have let myself down. At least the one of the past. I don't approve of what I'm doing. Will God approve of what I"m doing? Cause I don't approve of it. I can't take it anymore. How did I land up like this? I don't trust myself anymore.

Everthing is wrong. One can't continue if she believes that she is in the wrong.
I have officially gone mad. I cannot carry on anymore. I'm tired.



Time will not wait.
You need to carry on girl.
Don't just push yourself.
Find another way.
Another way?



What way?





You know what's the best thing? Is to be buddies with everyone. That will be the best thing. For things to take off from there. That will be the best thing. This will be the best way.

This will be the best way.

Don't depend on yourself anymore.
Depend on your friends.
Depend on your family.
Depend on God.

Yup.