Surprise

Hey

Dad, mum, dont worry about me.
im safe here. anyway, im still on this mission trip
Just wanna tell claris jia you! take care adn study hard.
da jie and cheryl, miss me ok

sweet heart, surprise! take care of yourself.
cant wait to see you again

Mission Trip

I'm going for mission trip le
From the 21st June to the 1st of July.
Do remember me and pray for me alright.
Will be back with more memories to share with you all!
Thanks!

You are by my side

You are by my side. Be it..Baking or whatever. haha
who...? Tadah!!!!

Ok, on saturday, we went to amos house to bake cookies for sunday to sell and raise funds cause i have not reach target yet. But on sunday, somehow, everything was ok. God provides! =) No worries. yup yup! so anyway, presenting, Joshua with the cookies..
Before it went into the oven
In the oven..
The 3 bakers..haha Amos did something..he did.
You are eating the original famous amos. haha..
Kelvin came by..think they were gonna go out
Cookies done.
Come Sunday, sold all!!

After Baking, we went to Pungool Park to eat at BLISS

Shared a Steak and chicken wings. Had the opportunity to feed him. Yuppie!
Felt appreciated for the things i did. After that, we walked at the park and chatted and relax till it was geting late. And had to be back home. As requested by my mum.

On Sunday.

Church, followed by meetings and finally, could relax. And guess, what? While i went out to welcome Joshua to my house..he surprised me with a rose! my second rose. He got it cause he thought of me. How sweet is that?! That's what i love about him too.

And at my house, he played a love song for me. At that moment. What coms to mind, he played and sang. He was real nervous initially, so i said that i will close my eyes and not look at him. Till he was more relax and then i opened my eyes, he could look into my eyes and continue singing..hehe

the one

Is amazing how we end up together.
He appreciates the things i do for him.
Love me for my heart.
Sensitive and observant to the little things that are bothering or affecting me.
He can read me. The only one who can do that. To be able to see the problems with my smiles and one i can share my thoughts with.
Embraced and assured.
We believe in each other. We will go through this together. And i say together.
Being together with a hope in mind of being together for a life time and we are working towards it.
Exciting journey.

17th June'08
After Joshua's work, we met up.
For my surprise. I have no idea where we were gonna go.
Asked me if i preferred to walk or take the bus. I said walk.
Walk is like a precious moment that I treasure. walking towards a common place.
We walked.

And walk half way, due to 'timing issues' we took a bus which got us to this little disney world.
He knew i love disney and fairytales. And he brought me there.
Stepping inside, i had the whole disney feel once again. As if i was really in disneyland.
I was so touched.
He thought of me.
I really do love your surprises.

And we headed to Island Creamery. Which i had no idea that i was heading there too.

Because i told him i like to eat the black forest at Island Creamery.

He remembers.

There wasn't any space to sit so we sat at the childrens corner where they would do some drawing..And we did some drawing too..

Just in case you are wondering what book is that, it is our diary. Our Diary.

Resistance makes me stronger

Badminton yesterday. Was pretty fun plus we haven't been playing it for a long long while. I would say. But it is good..Introducing the common players, teddy and claris who always team up together for doubles.


Both of us wet and tired. DOn't look like right.
Back view of my mum

Total force yesterday is 8! James, Jason, Amos and my mum's friend, Sally. came too but the last one standing is obviously, my mum, claris, teddy and i.
After 3 hours of badminton, we headed to HK cafe






And while teddy was talking and stuff, there was this rainbow on his face that distraceted me, so i took a shot of it.

Not enough, we headed home to shower and then out again to watch movie! Do not mess with the Zohan

At PS.

And what's below..A Canon PowerShot TX1

WOW! From Teddy! A free goodie he had when he continued the starhub plan..yup. Can't believe it. Plus it is something i have been eyeing on secretly. haha.. since a long time but didn't tell anyone only..so this is like..Wow!


You all have the disadvantage now,
cause you all are handicapped
cause you do not know him
Wait till you know him like i do.
And you will see.
I will let you see.
I will give you time.

I sense some resistance
Not gonna let it put me down
I'm gonna be stronger

And I know that you will be at my side.

Thank You

Leroy called me and to give me his blessings. Said that he was real happy for me and also, not to care about what other people think and be with the person I really love.
"I'm glad u found wad u wan..Someone u can announce to e world about that u love him. i'm really happy for you."
I'm so happy and thankful cause i have been really concern especially about what leroy thinks. Since he is too my mum's godson and we were a couple before.
Just to let you know, your opinion matters cause we need to move on together.
Thank him for being a good guy.
Thank him for letting me go.
And I'm happy for him too that he is able to pick himself up.
Glad that he has learnt much too.
And we will still be friends as promised ever since we were in the relationship.
God has that someone special for you too.
You will find it soon.
It is good that we have finally move on together.

Thank my family for accepting me and respecting my decision.
Though my mum had tears in her eyes. I'm truely touched because i know what leroy means to her. You will not lose another godson.
Thank her for bearing in mind that i'm her daughter and my happiness is important too. Since i'm the one who is gonna spend the rest of life with the person, i should make my decision and not enforce her decision on me.
Really thank her for that.

Thank my friends for being there for me, supporting me.
And for being there for leroy too.
I'm glad I have such friends that i didnt realise. And now, it has opened my eyes.

Thank you Joshua for being there for me, going through this period with me, supporting with me. Assuring me as well.
Always being understanding and patient.
Still making the effort to spend time together even though work has started.
Coming to see me and feed me, taking care of me, knowing that i was down with a flu.

You know how much i hate flu.
Feels all germy and stuff and disgusting
Yet today, though i'm sick, didn't feel all that germy.
Not mere happiness. Joy.
幸福 is the word. Is the 幸福ness in that Joy.

"Thank God I found you." That's how i'm feeling.
With all this mysterious timing.
Being a part of each others life.
Doing things because I thought of you.

Thank You all so much.
I'm encouraged and refreshed.

As promised to YH. My photo with short hair.

My side of the story

Well, a story has many different point of views because of what different characters are exposed to and their circumstances. Different experience. A story is only understood when you see all aspects of the story and then you will understand each others actions and response.

So let me tell you mine. ok. Enough w the bombardment and stuff.
Don't go to my friends. especially when i'm overseas and not know what is going on in singapore!

I'm really concern for you all these while. Praying that you will be able to stand up again

OK. First. Past---before all the big whoohaa w e break ups.
Break Ups---During exam period and break ups
Now--Basically now.

Got the 3 points??

Past
I will recall as much and tell you all alright. Since i know Josh through thai music module. Lets start from there. Da jie introduce me to that module which cause me 900+ points and then after a few or less than 4 lectures she pangsei me left me there by myself. Lucky there was isaac and Geksheng, i knew from church. So i always stick w them.
For the first performance, all 3 of us pick the instrument session. the 2 of them played the long drums and i played the khlui which can hardly be heard.
During prac, we hardly communicate, isaac, geksheng and i, cause they had to go down to play for the dancers. So i was left alone.

Side track a little. Which i think is important for you all to know.
In between 3rd feb and 11th feb.
i wrote a letter to leroy which i eventually did not pass to him. Let me just quote a little bit so you all know where i'm coming from.
"2 year anniversary and your birthday. Lots of things happen ever since we got to know each other. The truth is, I'm not ready for 2 year anniversary. I do not know how it is suppose to feel like. You are right to say that your baby is not the same any more because right now, i feel like a whole different person. I just find myself unable to treat you the same as before. I can't. As though I've woken up from a dream. I've lived a life according to your schedule, your plan. Going out with your friends and all. I've seen how your friends treat their girlfriends. They are focus on each other. But you and I is a whole different thing. You said you would treat me better, I believe. But Leroy, you are distracted. Things said, not done. The card you gave me. It is the sweetest thing you have done. As much as I want to believe your words, I'm cold to those words. ......Right now, I want to be alone. I may regret this decision in the future. But bearing that in mind, I think it is best for me to be single...I wanna know my answer. Right now I want the assurance from myself that I want you for you...I need to know my answer. And I can't do this being attached to you. I need to do this single. Because I use to be able to imagine us lasting forever but now, I'm unable to. That strong image just crumbles apart. You have a good family. When it comes to being partners in life, I do not want to base it on you having a good family. I wanna base it on you for you....I hope that you would let me be independent for awhile. A Timeout. Cause if I was together with you for you, I will be together with you for you."

11th feb'08
"I'm not sure if it is the atmosphere. As you know, I was unable to break leroy's heart. And I know every decision I make now will mold my future.
I had decided to give my heart to leroy after the outing. He is treating me better and better. Should I be satisfied or not? Satisfied by the way he treats me or unsatisfied that only now did he made such effort to love me. ...My prince need not be charming. He needs to put in effort in loving me everyday and tt when i wake up in the morning, I'll feel loved...I want someone, to be with someone who is able to say, yes, I'll spend my entire life with you."

14th feb'08
"I look older due to tears last night. So not gonna cry again."

16th feb'08
"I seriously need to write. I think I'm losing myself. LIke losing control in the way I react. And I'm not like treasuring Leroy as much as before after the 'decision' I made. Now I'm like trying....Be true to your heart. Do what you truely want to do. Be serious. Be focus. Shirley I need you. Come back to me. Don't go. Stay. My personality is like shifting from one side to another and it gives me a headache. Come on girl. Be yourself."

We didn't have a timeout then. The way i requested. Cause, he said is as good as breaking up and once break up, there won't be any being together again. And i know that he is serious in his words. And if i choose to have a time out it will forever a timeout. No more getting back. And I thought is it worth it to give up a relationship just because you suddenly have this 2 year anniversary phobia?
1st almost break up.

So back to the thai music module.
Come rehearsal and performance, the whole day. I used most of my waiting time to complete a story book "If i were you." Had dinner with isaac and geksheng, of course. And that was when i got to know Joshua and Shao Xiong 2 other drummers.
Performance was short. More time waiting and had nothing to do le cause i finish reading my story book. Finally finish and went for dinner w the drummers and w cm too. I remembered tt she sat opposite me. Oh and i remembered tt i ate a lot cause i was hungry.

An entry i wrote on the performance day.
" Actually, when you told me that you chatted with kry on msn, I was quite surprise at my reaction. Can't seem to put my reaction into words. Didn't feel like jealousy though. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Either shows I'm fine with it or I just don't bother anymore. Anyhow, you two can go ahead and meet each other talk and stuff.. no fear and no need for secrecy..Other than that, I know you have been putting effort and I thank you for that. A hero who comes to save a relationship. And I know I still haven been acting normal truthfully, from the inside, I feel like I'm different somehow, which I personally detest it. I'll need time for some adjustments to be that girl you once know. I'm just not feeling like myself lately. Easily atagonised. Lazy. Just can't be bothered. Plus sleepless nights. I wish for a peaceful mind and sleep. I need to settle down."

22nd feb'08
"Recently I've realised that I haven been really focus and stuff. So right now, I needa focus. Just to be in the present. Live the present. Especially when I'm so distracted with my 'sleepless' nights of travelling to the future.."

27th feb'08
"Pple has been asing if I'm ok. And I'm thinking"
Well, i was thinking am i radiating out the signal that i'm not ok? Is like out of the blue pple on msn will ask me if im ok though i haven been contacting them. IS like they can sense something amiss just like that w/o me saying anything.

1st March'08
"I've found myself. I feel in touch with myself. Amazingly..through tears and laughter at the same time. Through "P.S. I love you" I'm ready for happy 2 year anniversary. Not too late though I'm about one month one day late."

And soon, just before 16th March. Leroy's medical check up for smu. I went to meet him. Took the extra effort to dress up and stuff. But things didn't turn out well.
2nd almost break up

16th March'08
I spotted Leroy's diary of the past and started to read it. Pretty much stuck to it. Wrote about the things we did and he felt at the start of our relationship. Let's just say that we were really focus on each other. Thus, we grew close real fast. And I'm like thinking. DId I really do so much for him? Yup I did! It is a fact. And it made whatever issues we had a ridiculous topic! Ok, other than the walk that irritates him. But we've sorted them out. Apologised to each other. ..In order to improve myself, I needa be honest.
1. We kinda almost broke twice indirectly but because of appropriate ways in handling it from both of us, we never reach that subject.(Though we both agreed over the phone that we could have)
2. I'm less giving and appreciative. Thus, I needa give like more surprises and stuff.
3. Just bear with it. Leroy is getting out of army le. And it seems like Timo has strong confidence that leroy and I belongs to the 1/10 statistics (where 9/10 r/s fails during army days)
4. I'm being exposed to his bad pointers as he is for me
5. While I feel he is makeing me not suitable for him, I am in turn making him feel like he is the bad guy.
So the thing is, we needa focus on each other than ourselves...
He is your prince ok! You two are suppose to be together. I was even more convicted when we kinda had the possibility of going to the breakup track and yet being able to completely avoid it....Another thing I've learnt is that life is made meaningful through r/s with people. It is the thing that adds radiance to my life."

And back to Thai music module

For the second performance, accaan said tt we must rotate. So means i can't play instrument anymore. Must either sing or dance. I pick dance cause i really didnt wanna travel all the way to school for just a singing session. Makes no sense for me. But isaac and geksheng rather sing than to dance! So i'm like alone again.
First dance prac, then i saw Joshua. A familiar face, meaning at least i kinda knew his name and did talk to him abit. We were not partners for dance i was partnering terrance. Then what happen?
One day, after prac, after saying bye, i headed to the washroom. and then come out and josh was leaving too. and like told him i was gonna take nel home and he said tt he was going to harbour front too..walk around and might as well give me a lift. And so i got a ride from him and headed home. on nel. faster than waiting for bus 10 to harbour front why not? In the ride, i chatted a little to prevent any awkard silence. Cause i know i was no good w 'strangers' i said ok just treat him like Joshua--(the other one, whom i can talk a lot of rubbish and nonsence to, whom i knew since sec school)..So got to know that he is christain and we are both attached and random stuff..

I remember there was once i just kept saying omg and he said tt i shouldn't..

Then he sent me home the next week or the week after..And i was like are you serious! i mean can just drop me at harbour front. He said it was ok since it was on the way is not like he is staying out of the way and send me back specially. He has a point. Moreover, my tuesdays are like 10-6 w/o any breaks and i'm pretty tired. Is good to reach back earlier too..and can faster call leroy and meet up or something.

So that's how we got to know each other more, laughing and talking random stuffs. But nothing about problems of my relationship.

Next thing. is the whole breathing problem. Which started out as a sore throat. which i went to see the doctor cause i do not want to be sick. Which i have no idea, became worse and developed into eventually high fever like really high and when i felt i was better like non-feverish and the doctor took my temperature it was gonna be 39 degrees..that kinda of thing. But it was the breathing that i was most concern about.

21st March'08
"My chest seems weak, but I'm still holding on. Hang on shirley. Hang on. Be strong. This is the first time of an enduring torment but hang on. It will be over. It will heal. Cry if you must. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to embarrass yourself. Let your emotions flow like the river and your chest will be much better. Hang on Shirley. You still have a whole life to live. Hold on. Absord energy from the food and fight back. Today will not be the last. Endure the fight.
Breathe girl, breathe."

22nd MArch'08
"It was a long fight but Shirley you've won! I finally went to see a doctor again. Gave me a whole bunch of medication. The heart warming part was to give me something to stabilise my breathing so it wouldn't be exhausting nor painful. Leroy came which I was real grateful. However, I didn't exoress that. I should have! NO mater how breathless I was! And my mum was a mum. She is a strong mum. I'm learning to admire her now as a strong woman though in truth she is still IT not good. haha. It was so hard to talk initially, the need to breathe harder and to talk w/o choking on my own phlegm lurking in my throat. ok. So that's that. So..I went to watch step up . Before that Leroy and I headed for the times bookstore to scan through magazine and i was..thought I was feeling alright. Enjoying the time with my loviest darling before the sky starts to crumble revealing the scorching sun. It was the sign that I was going to faint. Immediately I told Leroy that I needed to go to the toilet. Like what the heck right! Go to the toilet and faint! I was just telling myself breathe girl. Take in large amount of air in to your brain. Breathe girl. Breathe. Bang into a woman. I'm so sorry. Can't remember your face. But I'm sorry. I did say sorry. But focus was still heading to the toilet. Let's just say that as an 'experience' fainter, vomit tend to tag along. So if I vomit first, I usually won't faint..I didn't vomit. Just sat. Recompose myself till I felt better, I felt Hello! I don't wanna vomit. It is horrible. All disease is disgusting. The terrifying one is the chest cause you feel it, you know it. What scares me is that it will be my last breath. And I guess I can feel myself fade away. Last night was basically tormenting breathing. How do I describe. Let me relate you through a sprinter. You can only sprint a short distance and your body and heart won't be able to take it cause let the science explain..blah blah. My point is my battle was constantly at the peak where the sprinter would start to slow down cause the body and heart can't take it and damn! The heart and chest was still in maddness. Although I was breathing slowly, lying on my bed. Telling myself breathe girl. Breathe. I have no idea why my chest was pushing itself. ...No one should ever need to go through the sprinter's exertion especially for the whole night which i practically did! Inhuman. Till you can't do more drastic movement cause your chest is like crazy...But I cried last night at 4 plus in the morning. I wasn't able to freaking sleep though lights out was at 10pm plus.
Ok after toilet break, I went to find leroy. Enjoyed a little children thingy. Felt weaker. Leroy went to the toilet and came back. I got a little more weaker. Can't take it much longer. Told him lets find a place to sit. ok. Lets go he said. I collapse into his arms eyes closed tearing. ok lets go babe. and i cried again. I almost fainted again. Are you ok? No. I cried. Stayed there for a moment before I was able to walk. What can I do? I thought...."

24th March'08
"I guess I wish Leroy could have stayed longer. The army has robbed so much time of leroy away from me and now my illness is still unable to keep him for myself longer. I'm sad. I want my place to be lovable where people would wanna come and don't feel like leaving. Anyway my musketeers. Thank you so much for today. For all your time, effort and care. If only Leroy could afford the time. I feel drugged now. So I better be sleeping. THank you Musketeers. Iz, Joshua.c and Shao Xiong. For everything. Makes my day a whole lot better. And sorry for making you all worry so much I'll build myself and be strong and healthy."

It was the day when I was sent to NUH after our thai music module. I was already feling weak again suddenly. It comes and goes. And i figured that I just need to eat food to have more energy. Went for Lunch to eat with IZ and Shao Xiong. Normally JOshua have tutorial after that but not on that day. I remember. I couldn't finish my food. Told myself to be strong and that I'm going home le. After lunch, wanted to return. And The breathing was just getting tougher even though I faithfully took all my medications and stuff! And finally I couldn't take it. And Told Iz. Sat down to breathe while the Shao Xiong contacted Joshua to drive me to Nuh. I can't breathe well but I do know and can remember. For this, I'm always grateful to the 3 of them. Always grateful and I know that they can be trusted. Cause when I was most helpless, they took care of me. When I couldn't carry myself any further, they were there. Can't believe it i'm actually tearing as i'm typing. I will always be grateful.
Reach NUH where they put me in isolation and i rested for really long till night got checked and stuff. And they were there till the end. Waiting for me making sure I'm ok though i told them to leave first. They were there. And sent me home safely. They were there.

25th March'08
"Breathe girl, breathe."

Well, i figured one night that if this continues is gonna be bad. And I wrote
"Just in case today is my last. I'm writing my will. Funny. I keep thinking I"m living my last days. Perhaps because I realise my stamina has decreased dramatically. I was almost unable to buy a bowl of beef noodles today!. Almost fainted. And I was so angry with myself. I can't even do a simple task. Mafe me feel real useless.
Kara is for leroy. So is my diaries. My room, Claris can have it. Money. If my family needs it, they can take it. If not, give those who need it for survival. Clothes..Leroy can pick a few, the rest, see who wants it. My lappy, got lots of photos so pass it to leroy which I changed the name to claris later on. Pass it to claris. It has been real faithful despite its virus attack and black out once. Sounds like me. Leroy can have the iceglobe. Other than that I have nothing specific for now.
Isaac thank you for everything. Being there and praying for me. So your best in whatever you do as doing it for the Lord. Leroy, I love you. Thank you for being my dream come true. Take care of yourself alright. It has been awhile since we went on some holiday and really enjoyed ourselves. The thing I hate most is army that rob your time and energy from me, changing you into not so patient bf but i know you love me..Treasure what you have...I don't know what to say right now just that my hand is trembling. And hoping that this would not be my last. I still wanna do lots of things. But to live each day as my last. I believe I could still have done more.
Friends, thank you for being part of my life. Adding meaning to my life...."

OK. I was weak to a point that i have this thought that i do not have much time left and perhaps i'm still sustaining cause i haven wrote my last words. And before i slept, i was like ok, can take me now. then but if you don't have to can you not? Let me do more. LIke not yet. Please.

1st April'08
" I started out weak this morning but ended up strong for it. Lord, I thank you for that. For blessing me with another day of living. I'm really happy for having another day to live my life. And Yong Huey, she is like the sweetest girl. Giving me a coaster for my preparation for exams. Reminding me a verse. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8 Today is a gift from God. And By grace. I am saved. And through faith, I am saved. Thank you.."

Made full use of my time, going out with friends and stuff. Making sure not to waste my life away. Treasuring your time and friends and family.

April
1st: Went out with YH, Joie, Ryan and Daniel To the airport
2nd: Project meeting for Mr. Bottle
3rd: Rehearsal for Thai music performance
After class, before rehearsal, totally have nothing to do and school is out of the way. Joshua too had nothing to do while iz got class. So we met up and just talk. And I think it is around this period that I realise that Joshua and cm were having some problems.
That was when my sleeping shot was taken yup. Still weak and i carried my inhaler around just in case i cant breathe. I wasn't doing anything much just waiting as the others rehearse but can't leave cause the dancers haven leave. And when the instrument people and singers rehearse finish then is the dancers turn. So while dancers were rehearsing isaac they all left le. And it ended late. Pretty hungry. Had dinner together with Joshua. before going back home.

4th: Performance itself
It was a friday. And i dont go to schools on friday is my off day. But had to go. The performance is graded!!!I remembered that Joshua had an interview with PSA and could fetch me from harbour front to school since it was nearby. so while he had his interview, I bought stuff!! To make a card for leroy since i havent made anything for him recently. Yup! And started on this mini project. There wasn't enough purple cloth for all the dancers and stuff so in the end accaan changed partners for us. Black pants together and purple pants together. That's how Joshua and I eventually became dance partners.
There was a photo when Joshua put his hand on Jade shoulder. It all happen when they were gonna take photo together and the photographer was like why stand so far and stuff and jade put her hand on his shoulders like buddies like tt to prove tt it is not awkard to have the photo taken..then Joshua put his hand on her shoulder. And in my head i was like oh no..cm is not gonna be happy when she sees this photo. What she sees is just that he putting his hand on jade's shoulders and unlike what i saw the process of why he put his hand on his shoulder. And obviously there was nothing between the 2 of them. See that's why when you are attach, you can only be close and buddy hug when your friend is of the same sex as you are.
Dinner after shifting all the instruments back with Jade, Phyllis, Joshua and I and other thai music classmates whom I'm not really close with.

5th: Band Prac, Find leroy. Left Alone for awhile
Chocolate bar that went missing. I remember. I brought 2 dvds for him to watch. He had his hand cut open and thus with the 2 weeks MC. wasn't too happy about it. Tried to cheer him up and stuff, keep him company since he can't do much. And then, at his house, Leroy left to meet Eden for awhile. SO I just slack at his house for 3 hours or so..

6th: Church, doing Thai learning diary assignment
And one more thing. Cause as I was doing the card for Leroy, a thought came that the next day is the last day of our Thai Music module lecture. And I haven really thank my musketeers. And I decided too to make 3 more cards for them. To really show that I truely appreciate what they did for me, being there. Took me longer than expected to finish. But I did finish.

7th: School and The West Wing
The day when cm fell sick. I remember. And I told Joshua to go and see her. Cause if I'm cm, I would really want him to go..But I guess somehow, with their unsettled problems, he simply refused to go. Talked more about relationship stuff. And he asked me a question that if i will get jealous when leroy goes out with a girl. And I said no unless it was kry. LIke any other girl is ok but not kry in the past but now i'm like ok le..He got a sms from her and stuff and showed me the sms. I was unexpectedly shock with the comment. And i kinda got the idea why he didn't wanna meet her.

8th: School and Patricia's birthday
9th: Project meeting for Mr.Bottle, dinner with Church People
10th: Project meeting
11th Project meeting
12th: Band Prac, Blog, Family dinner
13th: Jialin's birthday, Filming of Untrue Accusation
14th: Last eating class with Thai music classmates..
Project meeting till 2 a.m. Was maddness. Luckily Joshua was studying in school too till really late. And fetch Jun and me back which i was thankful for. But cause of that, Jun they all thought that Joshua was my bf which i corrected them instantly.

15th: Presentation For Mr. Bottle. Went back to sleep.
"You know..I use to think of settling down, some routine life but now I want advanture! To do more than routine. In a sense like..doing different things, exploring..to be out there.
Leroy thinks I'm unable to do it like hiking..which puts me off. Makes me want to prove him wrong. Like ttally. Beating down a spirit that's emerging. Maybe he already has a certain mindset of me. Like what I am. Like I'm always acting poorthing which i have no idea where he got the idea from and now, i'm really acting poorthing with him. Psychology stuff..Funny thing is that I'm not like tt with my friends..."

16th: Study with Miko, Joshua and Daniel and Steamboat.
The four of us. Initially, i asked Joshua to bring cm along too which he said he did the day before but she declined. And currently she was not ok and said that everything would be ok if he had lunch with her. msn with cm about a month later on the 14th of may. And she said he did not ask her. But Joshua said he did. Who is lying here. you know best.
"Last night, I was missing Leroy badly. It was like finally everything is over. Being 'independent' and finally a breather..and I thought of Timo's proximity attachment theory..and realise that I haven been spending much time with him. And I really do.. I miss the closeness and also I wanna do other stuffs with him than just meals amd movie. Yup plus the only time I got a hug, a really long hug without the need to rush was quite sometime. Kara, you 're lucky to have me hugging you.."

17th: Out with Leroy
"Leroy called me out! I say again! Leroy called me out!! I mean usually is like mutual consent or I call him out but this time, he called me out! I'm quite excited. Cause it feels like a date rather than going out for the sake of it cause you are my gf/bf. You know what I mean? hehe...."
AND SOMETHING HAPPEN
"Suggestion of what to do?!!!ok, no nice movie, fine. Nothing to do in town! or nothing to do with me?! Propose to go back home. His home. Rent dvd. Sounds familiar? Totally! Obviously I'm not happy. We were suppose to go out! NOt go home. Being a understanding bf, he asks for suggestions. dots. cycling. no. Iceskating, no. Come my house play mj w my mum, no. Basically..you know what I think? He just wants me to suggest to go to his house. DOing what he wants to do lah!. Sianz. Energy..think he use most of his energy with his friends lah. ANyway, look at the time and day now."
So what happened in the end. We went to watch movie. My treat plus meal.
"Heart, stay put, Stay."

The thing that bothers me.
"I'm attached to Leroy. Joshua is is attached to cm. And i got this comment from girls jade and phyllis for the performance day and Jun when project meeting was till 2am to be exact asking he your bf/ you 2 got something going on. Where i corrected them right away. I mean..that's a weird comment for me considering that we are not close..Anyway, i'm thinking, how do I make it like we are buddies rather than giving other people the wrong impression. You know what I mean? PLus we are 2 different world haha..wonder how they can think till something else. If others do, then what would cm definitely feel? Then to her i'm like some 3rd party. Oh no! So, i asked JOshua to bring her out. Yup.

18th: Celebrate Patricia and Szewei's birthday and send leroy off to the airport.

19th: Flown
"How are you in Taiwan?..I'm really missing you le. Come back quickly."



Breakups the second part.

20th: I Don't like break ups.
Got the news that Joshua and cm broke up. Which was pretty sad cause i was really hoping that they would continue in the relationship and have been encouraging him to continue that she is angry cause she is jealous and she is jealous because she loves you and you should be happy cause she loves you. and stuff like tt.
"I don't like break ups. But break ups do happen. Lord you are my only hope. The one and only faithful one who will see me through the seasons, and be with me."

Didn't blog much nor wrote much about what happen but just study, have fun and more studying.
Had papers.
On the 1st or 2nd of May'08, while i was out with Puicheng and felicia for a drink and movie since we haven been meeting up since forever. And I got a call all the way from Taiwan. Leroy. ELated. Picked up the phone.
Wanted a 6 months break. To answer some questions. I really couldn't believe that this whole thing was happening to me. To me! Like why are you doing this to me? SHouldn't being away from me in Taiwan already is making you miss me and wanting to treasure me? but you need 6 months more to realise my importance. It shows much of how much i mean to you actually..
"Breathe properly girl, you r heartbeat is beating way too fast. Breathe.
My longest transition state. But what am I to say? Not to respect his request? I teared a little but I told myself that I'm a strong girl. Stay strong. You are strong. Just breathe for now. Just breathe."
Took the next few days before he returns to prepare myself. Filled up my schedules with things to do..going out with my friends..made sure that I had at least 2 weeks of worth of things to do.
Quite torturous. I felt lost. You do know that i was still having my exams right? Couldn't you have waited for a better timing? When I see couples supporting each other during exam period i myself already not having you by my side which was pretty bad already and with the news of that 6 months break. It broke my heart. And I told my heart to come back to me. I"m sorry I had to. I had to recompose myself, tell myself that i need to focus on my exams. Look undistracted to my family members least they care for me with questions i can't answer. I look to people as if things were fine.
On Saturday, had Dinner with Isaac and Joshua. After that, left for home. but I didn't want to go home. Not yet. Sat somewhere. Where Joshua played his guitar with christian songs. And I couldn't hold onto my tears any longer. Didn't intend to let him know but he saw. Didn't intend to let anyone know. It was the next day that i realise Joshua saw my tears. and so I open up and shared more things with what was happening.
And at his side, things weren't going too well too. So we just encouraged each other.

6th may'08
"Leroy is coming back finally. Like finally. After all my exams and seeing dear Miko and Daniel together. And suddenly met Puicheng and Fel, is like the past return to me. With the good old trumpeters time. So we've arranged to meet like soon. This week or the next. Thank God that exams are over feelings and thoughts sort out. Technically today is the dateline cause Leroy is coming back today. Was suppose to be a really happy thing till the call that landed me with a whole mix of emotions unsure of what to do. But I guess now is just accept the fact of this transition and let it bother me no more. I mean it is not worth it for me to anyhow think and stuff..right. Yar is so straining, sucking out my energy. Yup."
I brought Joshua to the airport to meet leroy since we went out earlier. Why would I wanna hide him? We are friends. plus. To let Leroy take a look at Joshua.

7th May'08
Companied you to the doctor. The deal was that we would still be together but after the 7th, the last day as a couple then, we will have the 6 months break..which was already a weird request.
"Today is the first time Leroy said I've grown. But I"m not really happy about it. I didn't like the idea of growing up. LIke somehow this whole episode has reached its purpose--which is for me to grow up? You know what, w/o leroy, i think i'll still be stuck w x. Blind to faults, because of the belief that the first should be your last. But i guess pple ain't tt serious about bf and gf, is like no responsibility in a way. But just feeling..I always think..You het together cause you wanna be w him your whole life..
The concept of the one? What if in the first place God didn't have any the one for me?..Well, Leroy is asleep. Can I say as usual that he is tired. TOld you, army tok up all his energy."
"This is not just weird. This is freaking weird. Like weird weird? Like I'm in a uncomprehensible situation. If you remember that I thought Leroy was the one. Send by God to be with me forever. Signs like his surname, sec shool crush..our so similar chinese name and i/c number. All these things, and now, when i take a second look again..have been really thinking cause I have to, cause I need to, cause now I want to.
I always think of the future, how we'll be like in the future. But today, I learnt that it too is important to look at us now and in the past, to double check how we exactly lived with each other in a way. Till today. Today, I asked him a question. DO you think I am the one? Reply was I do not know. This information was more than enough for me. Totally justified the need for 6 months. He needs this 6 months. I need this 6 months. This ambiguity. Even if it means we won't end up together. I need this 6 months. Especially since our lives are already so interlinked with family and friends. Need this 6 months to get over all these things.
At the same time, I gather he got this inspiration from My Sassy girl where eventually if it was meant to be, it will be. Not certain though about why he really wants this.
He is not sure at all even this decision. I gather from today. But there is no turning back for me with this 6 months thing. NOw, I want this. I need this 6 months.
This 6 months, is supposed to be no hugs, no kisses, no holding hands and yet today he did all this. Was getting too close to me to the extent that I thought if you really love me, you wouldn't be doing it. Especially with you wanting the 6 months break. I really don't get what he is doing. I'm confused by his actions. I really am. And when you say I love you, I don't know how to answer. I'm really preparing my self for the break, not getting too close to you so i'll be able to take it and on the other hand, you seem to act as if tml, next week will be the same. Which I already know is not.
I teared, dried up my tears, went out with as much a smile as I could and you leroy are like the poor thing one with the wounds and illness, needing someone to take care of you. How am I to break down? But to clean up myself and take care of you.
A open wound or a wounded heart. Which is worse?
I don't know. At least I know I can tend my wounded heart and cover it up. Today, I've really saw myself controlling my feelings. Shielding especially hurt expressions. I'm fine now. I'm ok.
Just the point is I want his 6 months now. Is necessary, to sort out everything."

8th May'08
"Leroy has a letter for me. Transition starts when he gives me? So i'm like transiting in a transition? So weird. Anyway for me, this whole thing has already started le. Since he already have a letter ready and I for him. I don't see any meaning in delaying. Just torturous for me. Just went out w Yh, Daniel and Ryan. Had a really fun time. All of us bought slippers and present for Joie, ate, talk and things felt so light and free till we part and I'm like alone and remember this whole episode-which i never thoguht would ever happen. Looks like you can't be certain with anything. If only things were much more simpler. I don't wanna tear no more. Everyday."
This was also the same day when Leroy took his words back saying that it was a stupid idea. Said that the 6 months thing haven start yet cause we haven exchanged letters. Like what?! After i told myself go through with this timeout. No turning back. And you are saying this to me. After putting me through the misery and you said it was a stupid idea and scrap it as if it was some pencil marking you can erase it away. Like havfe you been serious all this while? All along I have been listening to you. You want a break, ok. starts one day after you come back. ok. and now you wanna take it back. NO WAY! Make up your mind. You had a week to take back your word before i realise that i want this 6 months and it had started for me. A week!

On the 9th May'08.
Joshua told me that he wouldn't spend so much time with just anyone. And he just wants to get the message over.

For the next few days till the 16th may, I could see Leroy was trying all sort of ways to get me back and that he couldn't cope with the idea that we were actually on a 6 months break. Day to day, asking me to make a decision, either to be together or not be together. Shouldn't my dateline be like in november? Felt pressured. It hasn't even been a week. But cause of my previous act of cramping my schedule i had things to do everyday. Beach with YH, Joie, Daniel and Ryan..And with Miko, Jun, sonja and fenling, Movie with Miko, daniel JOshua, wanjun and JOshua and Timo, cycling with the church people.
12th May, I cancelled my cycling trip cause leroy said he had to go for doctor's appoinment again and wants me to company him. I cancelled only to find out on the day itself that he changed the appointment to the 13th. Which i find myself unwilling to cancel it. the next few days, i was just out. Going out. Sleep. Do not want to be bothered at all. Do not wanna think about it. I really wanted to have a break but i wasn't having a break.

Diary
11th May'08
" Leroy smsed me saying that he has a mini display for me. I feel like he is winning, trying to win me over back with things. But I do not want things. Yes, I do want, eg Jeans from Pull and Bear but I do not want it to be for a purpose but rather, I thought of you so, I got it for you. IS a for you thing rather than for me, ownself ultimate purpose. You know what I mean? Well, tml, I'm going to bring him to Nuh. Cause I felt a need to. Like put in effort and care for him since he is sick. Be it bf or friend. I should put in effort and care especially if you know that he wants you to be there for him. so, sorry jia jia, iz amos, can't join you all for cycling le."

12th May'08
"For Leroy, why can't I feel the same way as before anymore? I know I can get back with you and live my life with you. But, I do not have the happily ever after scene..I can but the question now is do I want to?"

13th May'08
"Good couple, not remember each others wrong doing, can go very far, enter uni and I go to work, won't be a problem. Know that he loves me. Can do a lot for me. Always there for me. Always supportive in whatever I do. Won't say no to anything I ask. Certain about all this. His certainty. Leroy's"

14th May'08
I woke up due to a call from leroy asking me if i know a girl call cm. Which i was like huh for a second like how does cm and leroy are related in the first place. Ask me questions when i was in a dazed cause i just woke up..and i told joshua about it. and then i got a call from leroy again to tell me not to tell joshua when i already did.. i was like opps in my head. and some woohaa..for a morning. Figured that the person cm was after is me so i asked Leroy to give me her msn. He refused. Fine. I will get it from Joshua himself personally. Got it from him and msn with her saying she can meet me and stuff. But I got a movie plan with Josh And Josh and cm and Miko and Daniel and Timo. And i haven bought the tickets. Anyway, I met Timo and Joshua earlier while Miko and Daniel came later. You know how is it with couples. Got cm number..initially plannng to like invite her over for dinner and plus i got cards and we can play games and so Joshua and her won't have too much tension, then can talk things out and stuff..and of course my plan did not work out cause while i went to the toilet and came out, i saw timo standing by himself and saw Joshua on the phone talking with such eh..really serious and loud tone and to me it was just scolding and i didn't wanna hear anything just walked really far away from him. And deeply entrenched in my mind is that I'm officially scared of Joshua. Soon after i got a message from cm saying not meet up and she shouldn't be contacting me. And I was to tell you the truth, for the first time, i was quite angry with Joshua. Plus I already told him that it didn't affect me. nor the situation with leroy. ok. until one day after this incident, i realise that cm told leroy that some of our classmates told her that Joshua and I are kinda like together and stuff. Which i got angry. Cause it is not true! Anyway, when i told Joshua about my plan he was like no. If you invite her for dinner i will leave. Is like woh..he really does not want any contact with her at all and he really sounded angry..

16th Feb'08
During the week, i made a decision. About my friendship with Joshua.
"After today, I realised that our friendship is a bit tricky. Cause of the way we met and developed it, that let people, not just my side but his side get the wrong idea. Which made me quite upset about it. I like our friendship but I do not like the way people view it. I think I should just start avoiding him. Let this whole typhoon settle down. Which is when? Now at times, I do wish that i'm just a boy. then all this 'rara' wouldn't be happening."
Come friday.
"This temporary seperation is for the better. Shirley, you know what you are doing."
Basically, I chose to get back with leroy and 'let go' my friendship with Joshua. To not do things we planned to do especially with the situation.
"I need to pen this down. If not, I'm just irresponsible to my heart. Cause I chained it. Even though it is bleeding. ok. I guess it bled out. I'm drained. I made a decision to be back with leroy. Reasons. Leroy does not deserve to be in the state of agony any longer. I think he'll go crazy. Gonna give him another chance and at the same time..me, working and putting effort in the relationship. To let all the storm settle down, for people to change their impression of bothe Joshua and I. Cause I believe people thinks that we are like the 3rd party of each other's relationship which is not. And perhaps, to show leroy that though i'm trying, i know that eventually, i already don't can't be together with him. Hopefully being together with him will make him realise why we can't be together..despite our close relationship with each other's family, being like this 'perfect' couple.
In the past, I always think that LEroy was my dream come true. Prayed that I will be all understanding, patient and fun-loving girlfriend, that eventually, we'll be partners in life. Saying I love, him, hugging and kissing him, clearing his doubts was no problem for me. Not at all. And now, I'm unable to. He asked if I do love him. I said yes. But no longer the way it was. Leroy can see it in my expression. I'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing but I guess by being together, I have confirmed my answer. SOmething I have been running away from?
From the moment i messaged Joshua about my decision, I cried. Suppressed. Tear supressed, cried, supressed, cried, suppressed..."

During the week till 24th May'08
Torture. Why? everyday when i wake up, i just laze in bed. I Didn't want to face the world. the life i was living. Just wanna dream away. If I could just dream away for as long as possible. Every morning was a disappointment. I told Leroy that I can't be like last time anymore. I'm unable to treat him like the past. He told me to put in effort, take into consideration of our 2 year relationship and stuff. So, I did. Took out all my diaries and began reading them. They are like history. I realise something about me. It was all about, does he has feelings for me? Ohohoh! He is holding my hand that sort of stuff. The past, I was totally in my dreams than actually getting to know leroy. "I always thought he suited my dream" I was crazily in love with him cause i was just crazy in love with him. Not the character of him that i fell in love with. And at the same time, i realise too that my friendship with Joshua is not as simple as that. How could I cry so badly to know that i choose to be with leroy and give up a friendship.
"As friends, I really like the way we managed to click with each other and just talk. I can be relaxed and really hapy, smiling cause i'm enjoying my time..friends, close in communication and understanding rather than others who like someone and wants to hold their hand. I'm just like, want someone to understand me and that someone has to be one that i'm comfortable with..enjoy the moment. Happy together. Speak your mind. Doing things you wanna do and yet not feel embarrassed by it. What do people say. To be able to be yourself. Just be true to yourself."
Did met up with Joshua, brought the diaries to read. Figured just let him read the diaries too lah. Nothing to hide.
Have been going around, asking like cheryl and claris what if leroy and i are not together anymore. How will they feel and stuff. Just kept going round and round like are you sure you will be ok. And what cheryl said made total sense. Which is this is your relationship it does not matter what other people thinks.
Talked to my mother asing her why did she got together with my dad in the end. And she talks about adjusting and accepting each other.

21st May'08
"Right now, I feel tired, bled out. And my heart ust resorts to tears which at times translate to tears in my eyes. And I need someone whom I can cry on. Who suits the bill? No one?
I should have stayed at the grass patch w/o wandering into the park. What am I worried about the most? Leroy. The last thing I wanna do i to break his heart. But recently, somehow, I just kept hurting him though I didn't wanna do it. All because of my stupid reaction"

24th May'08
"I's so gonna miss my hair. At least it will grow back. I'm so gonna cut my hair short. As soon as possible. Monday? Yup. Relax, it is just hair it will grow back."
Something I have been wanting to do but didn't cause Leroy likes girls with wavy hair.hmm..Guess i wanted to cut is because i didn't want to be the girl with the wavy hair. I dont want to be like cause i have wavy hair. It is afterall my hair.
"I'm losing focus on what I'm doing. Lord help me. I don't like the way things developed."

Somehow, i couldn't take it and said that we are better off as buddies.
Messaged Lionel, leroy's brother to be there for Leroy to help him. And krystel too.

I can't see us together in the long run. I want someonewho is focus. Will do things for me for me. Accepting who I am w/o trying to mold me into somethin else.

25th May'08
Leroy wanted to meet me. I said ok. This was the day when my mum saw Leroy in tears for the first time. Her first time of ever knowing that there is some problem between the both of us. I have hid the whole episode from her. And when she saw Leroy in tears, she was in total shock. Leroy wanted to try again. And me to give in my best shot. I agreed after seeing him in tears. I told myself, because you are leroy, I will let you influence my decision once again. Because you are Leroy, i will put whatever effort i can into it. And on that day, i went out with him. did whatever i could. And there was a point where i couldn't take it and i broke into tears, trying to hide as much as possible. I reached back home totally worn out mentally and physically. Agreeing to go out with him despite i was really exhausted. And my mum wanted to talk to me. I was like not today. Really. Give me a break. Not today.

The next day, my mum talked to me. And ask me about stuff. I gave a a really brief summary, censoring the pain and tears. But I couldn't when eventually she ask "are you happy?" And tears just flow out. Kept flowing non-stop. Told myself time and again to stop but this time i had no control over my tears. I couldn't control anymore. Then i realise that whatever years of effort you had put in and stuff, i was not happy. I was not happy.
She also said do not compare if A treats you better or B treats me better but look at how they treat you in relaion to all the people they know. Do they treasure you in a sense.
I told myself to bear that in mind.

26th May'08
"Inside where my heart lies. I reviewed the wounds. I didn't realise. Wounds worse than expected. It was in bad shape especially when my mum talked to me and asked will i be happy? imagine that i can't even have any control to my tears. Shows much saddness i'm going through."

27th May'08
"Can one's love for someone be pressurizing? shouldn't it be a good thing that one loves you? Unless it is to possess you ba
And on the other side you have someone who is just there with you. Being patient and understanding about your actions. If it is me, would I be able to take it? Remember not everyone can do that.
Thank you for all the talks and chats at night that made me feel better, having the strngth and hope to carry on."

28th May'08
Joshua ask if his presence is making things hard for me and would distance or leave if it could make me happier. i said stay.

29th May'08
I broke his heart.
"John 16:24 Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete."
This is a message Joy sent me, for me to memorize. I got it last night but didn't want to read it cause was afraid. Knowing that it is a verse. Today i read it. And I prayed. For courage to end the relationship with leroy......."

you see for all of you out there who may not know much about this or this is like the first time ever hearing this..i'm writing this because recently i went over to church camp from 8th to 11th of june at malaysia when i'm pretty much uncontactable, leroy contacted some of my friends like Miko and Yong Huey and i have no idea how many more of you are out there the ones where he contacted you asking you to help him in the already pretty broken relationship. Just if you are a common friend to both of us, do not give him false hope. I won't help him. It will mean that i need to break his heart again. So don't. Help him let go. Help him stand up. Be there for him. Didn't want to let people know but i think there is a need to now. Let you all know my thoughts since you already know his thoughts.

My other friends know practically nothing except a summary given by me. So you didn't have to ask them. Just take my words for what it is. That is because I do not want them to know much. I do not see a need to burden them with my relationship problems moreover, many of them hardly ever saw you.

What you all have seen from me all this while is a girl who mask her tears. Not showing her problems. But if you all were sharp and focus enough you would have seen my tears. Cause i did tear and immediately told myself to stop. The only 2 who really notice my tears despite me hiding it were Joshua and Claris. The ones that kept me going, supporting me and encouraging me. And despite Joshua admiting that i'm not just anyone, he still did say that leroy you are a good man. To make sure sure I knew what I was doing. Asking where do i stand. He was not trying to win me over. He was just being there and was even willing to leave. We respect each other. encouraged each other to continue in each other's relationship. never cross the friendship line. It may have seem like a breeze and i moved on really fast. Not true. A process. for me to realise..

29th May'08
"I seriously broke Leroy's heart. And today is our 2 year 4 months anniversayr. Not 5 months anniversary like he said. I didn't realise it. What. I didn't realise it yar, I didn't realise it. Really shows much about me in relation to the relationship right. I can't believe it is iver. I hope that Leroy will take it and move on. I feel so heartless though I feel my heart in pain. I feel like a cruel person. I'm sorry Leroy. I really am. I;m sorry about how the way things turn out to be. But what you said did hurt me. Hoping that I would get into an accident and losing my memory. And only remember that you are my bf. I know you said that in anger and a spur of moment. I do hope that you will respect my decision.
Shirley, if you do happen to lose your memory, remember that you broke up with Leroy. Because He is not your fantasy anymore. You've realise that being together is more than finding one who fits your image of fantasy. You wanna be with someone whom you are comfortable with, able to be yourself with, relax, one whom you can share whatever stupid thoughts and just accepting who you are w/o molding you into something else. Remember girl. Remember."

I totally agree tt when you break up w someone, you can't be together anymore. You just can't. I gave it hard thought and did what you wanted me to. Put into consideration the past 2 year plus...of us being together, i did. And you knew tt when i make up my mind, there is no turning back. And you said tt you hope you can be someone who will be able to influence my decision. Which i did and i was not happy.

Now

After getting to know each other, supporting each other and being there for each other. Enjoying each other's company. Knowing each other's scar and accepting it for who we are. After what the both of us had gone through..Deep valleys together.
If you ask if i like Joshua, yes I do. Do I love him? Yes, I do.
If you ask Joshua the same thing, he will say, yes i do.
We want to be together and want people to know but we can't.
For obvious reasons.
Situation.
Timing.
But the point I wanna put across is that our break ups have nothing to do with third party involvement which will definitely be people's first impression. Which I can't blame you.
No question asked. Will you be my girlfriend?
No such questions asked.

11th June'08
"As for us being together..time is needed. Remember I wrote..for people to realise and understand where I'm coming from and I can have my way with their approval cause they understand. Cause life is about relationship with others."

Far away, when we are just spending time together, i really enjoy myself.
I could have been happier but because of the circumstances people's acceptance and impressions..prevents us from being together. Which makes me tear. But life is about relationships with not just one person but everyone. So just bear with it shir.

For many of you out there it is really fast that's because I have hid all these from you. You all have only come to realise like probably only last week. so, i get how you all feel. is ok.

For those who are afraid that i will get angry, I'm not. But instead, I'm sorry to get you all involved in my situation. And thank you for being understanding friends. Thank you.