The Problem is ME.

OK. Lets skip the outrageous dream I had. I can't even identify my gender. Missing lover's things..have 2 girls with a crush on me..people getting possessed...It is just messy.

What I want to say is the faults of Me. It is hard admitting it. But I'm sure lots of people know about it. And I have been so procrastinating about admitting it till last night. Damn it. OK..mind my words.

Is about me losing control of myself all the time.

In my first relationship..why am I talking about it? Well, I had to do some categorising of my post and have to glance through them. Might as well admit my mistakes..since I want my old post to stay..Why let it stay in my blog and run away from it?

In my first relationship..Which I state still, was a complete mightmare..disaster..Right from the beginning. But get to the point alright. Midway..I get clingy to R. What I expect was unconsiderate. Come to think about it. While I gave all my free time to R = Time after school and lots of sleep.., I expect R to do the same. And this means that both of us, other than each other, have no time to meet friends..etc..You know, when you close up your world..you, I become narrow minded. Become self-centered which really leads to paranoia. So problems..many problems start to surface. But this is one of the few root problems. Ended. I'm so glad!

In my 2nd relationship, which was a relationship of dream come true, with my crush..then..Improved a little. Maybe he was my crush so I let him have his way and also there was the army factor, that really didn't give him much time. And there was the part of me wanting to be a fun-loving understanding girlfriend. So..the improvement was, I would let him do what he wants with his free time. Meet with friends etc, while I on my part, keep my time free whenever he books out of camp. whether or not we say we are gonna meet or not. So sometimes, when we do not meet, I get bored. But it wasn't that bad as because of his army travels..I would be meeting my friends and going out. Though my world was not as closed up as the first, it was still closed up.

I must say the only time I open up my world was when I'm transiting from one relationship to another. Why? Because it is only during that time, I did not let my partner take first priority and I put myself first. And I didn't care how they feel. And only meet them when I do wanna meet them..Unlike in the first relationship..even upon going to his place..I ask myself, " Why am I even going? I have no mood to go..."Plus school was taking its toil on me. Still, I went. Whatever..

Now in this relationship. Definitely there is going to be timing clashes. Especially my work. As much as i do not want it to happen. But that really isn't the problem. The problem is still that..I wouldn't feel like meeting my friends (Sorry about it..) when Joshua is free. It is this thing that I have been practising that got stucked with me. Which Is totally bad. Because, I can see my world is beginning to narrow down and I do not want that to happen. And I know. I so know where this path will take me. It will make me clingy to Joshua. It will get me self-centered..becoming so much more emotional and paranoid. And I do not want that. What's wrong with me that I can't say "Hey! I'm meeting my friends on blah blah day at what time. Is it ok?" And he will say "Yeah it is ok." The thing is I don't ask. I will try to schedule in a way that it wouldn't clash with Joshua then I will tell him.

Darnz...But you know..things happen. This friday's meeting with the girls. there is a clash. Unexpected one. Usually Joshua has his cell group thingy going on. But in the end..not this week. Oh well..That's life. Unpredictable. Well, cause, I'm force to confront this issue. After many years. I really do not want nor need another relationship to figure this out. I'm gonna use this one to figure it out. Cause I do wanna be with Joshua. OK.

GOtta go.